In the matter of your transporter, model number 08746

TO: Satish Mahalzat
c/o Syntech Transports

FROM: Cletus B.

RE: Transporter model 08746


Dear Mr. Mahalzat:

I purchased your home model of the E-Z Tranz personal transporter 30 days ago. I am writing to express my utter disappointment with your product and demand a full refund after your company puts my head back where it was.

I was using your product Wednesday to go from my house here in Farmington, N.Y. to the racetrack in Watkins Glen, N.Y. Previously I used the E-Z Tranz to make trips to the store, the lake, and Ghana, and after this week I would have used it to go to the doctor. But my sister drove me there in her pickup, as I can no longer sit in my own car. That’s because your product put my head where my rear should be, and vice versa.

Do you know what it’s like to fart burps? I don’t think you do, because if you did you would clearly put a warning on the box that this product may induce head and butt reversal, and as such make it difficult for users to sit or wear hats. As it is, I’ve had to endure taunts from the neighborhood kids who call me assface.

I sincerely hope you have a compensation plan in place for me, as I will undoubtedly sue you and your company until I’m blue in the face. Which, may I remind you, is just below my back.

My terms are thus: Make my body the way it was, plus compensate me for the anguish your product has caused. My lawyers and I determine that price is $1,000,000,000,000. Any less and I will see you in court. That is, unless you’re in front of me.

Thank you for your urgent attention to this matter.

Yours,

Cletus Buttheadski