The Serpent and the Rainbow

A bedtime story by Marcy

Above the trees and in the breeze the rainbow spanned the sky,
An arc of color, pure and bright, she sparkled way up high.
And in the grass along the dirt the serpent slithered through,
Looking for his noontime lunch - perhaps a bug or two.

But when he made it to the stream he saw the bow above,
Her shining colors waved hello, and the serpent fell in love
He followed her for miles and miles but never could get close,
The colors dance and laugh and shine, but the serpent felt morose.

It was late and far from home, and the serpent stopped his quest,
He felt a fool for chasing a dream, but at least he tried his best
The rainbow started to fade away with the waning sun,
The serpent would not make it home before the day was done.

He stared up at the sky in vain, the rainbow finally gone,
And just before he looked away, he began to hear a song.
From over there, yes - through that grass, he came upon a pond,
With all the crickets a snake could eat forever and beyond!

And singing on a flat top rock a serpentess so fair,
With scales of green and red and gold that shimmered in the air.
The serpent knew now that his quest had not at all been wrong,
The rainbow had been showing him where his heart was all along.

They lived together by the pond and sang their songs in love,
And once in a while the rainbow appeared and listened from above.
The serpent thanked the rainbow when he finally had a say,
For showing him his one true love who sang for him each day.

So if you find you’re chasing a rainbow you can’t catch,
And you feel it’s all in vain and you’re a sorry wretch,
Just remember what you need isn’t always what you bid,
Trust your heart and take your quest and you’ll be glad you did.

JAWS MEETS BAMBI (Take 30)

by L. David Wheeler, who's silly enough to admit to writing the following.

SCENE OPENS in INTERIOR OF SMALL HOTEL ROOM, lit dimly by BEDSIDE LAMP. Camera pans to BACK OF MAN, face unseen. Removes COAT, drapes over CHAIR. Loosens TIE. Camera zooms to head/chest view, pans to view FACE. Man YAWNS, then SUCKS IN AIR, revealing TELLTALE BRIDGEWORK.

JAWS continues loosening tie. RAPT KNOCKING at door. JAWS, startled, GLANCES QUICKLY AROUND, grabs REVOLVER from under PILLOW, then STARES MENACINGLY at DOOR. Slight, nearly noiseless GROWL escapes his lips. JAWS slowly walks to DOOR, OPENS it ajar to length that CHAIN allows. Camera frames to JAWS' view: YOUNG WOMAN with long, wavy SCARLET HAIR whose body appears to be constructed ENTIRELY OUT OF CLEAVAGE.

SCARLET WOMAN (uttering breathily): Hello -- Mr. Jaws?

JAWS (suspiciously yet intriguedly): Mmm, yahs?

SCARLET WOMAN: I'm Bambi. Mr. Scaratelli from the agency sent me over. (one beat) He said you were past due for a bite.

(SLIGHT SMILE crosses JAWS' FACE as he reaches to UNFASTEN CHAIN and SET-FRAMING MUSIC BEGI --

No!

Nonononononononono!!!!

Jaws-Bambi porn?!? Have I sunk this low? Apparently my muse is a crack whore.

Every night for a month, every night, I stare at the laptop screen or the blank paper before me. Do I start my Crimean War epic? Do I work up my sitcom treatment about a midget cop from the Hood and his partner the Evangelical Druid? Do I even write Lara a damned poem?

No. Because every night for a month, I'm bidden, inexplicably, irrevocably to heed the voices, the incessant, keening, insistent voices that shriek three words, ever and ever: Jaws meets Bambi. Jaws meets Bambi! JAWS MEETS BAMBI!!!!

I thought writing a little trifle about the fawn lapping water at the stream only to be eviscerated by the killer shark from Hell would be enough. A little exercise to be worked out and tossed aside. But the next night, the voices were back. Louder, more insistent.

JAWS MEETS BAMBI!!!

Some of them weren't too bad. I was kind of fond of my story about the aged buck and shark meeting up at a Home for the Aged Anthropomorphic Non-Humanoid Fictional Characters, where the crueler residents like Cujo called the shark "Gums." And my psychological think piece about Bambi the deer's dreams haunted by visions of a tireless, vicious killer of the depths -- and Jaws' dreams likewise haunted by visions of a little deer wobbling about on an icy pond. A touch meta, but it worked ...

No, it didn't. Because I hear it still.

JAWS MEETS BAMBI! JAWS MEETS BAMBI!

Jaws has been the Spielberg shark -- and that's a lawsuit and a half waiting to happen -- as well as a young, soulful street-gang second-in-command with braces; an office worker who never shuts up with graphic stories about her fiance (untrue) and her medical conditions (all too true); and a sled. (We'd only learn Jaws was a sled in the final scene. Of course I realize it's been done before, do you think I'm an idiot? It's never going to be published or released, it's a damned EXORCISM, don't you GET IT ... who am I talking to? Ummm, no one. myself. ummm ...

Bambi's been the Disney deer -- and that's a lawsuit and six halves waiting to happen -- and all manner of nubile young women of loose virtues, because, quite frankly, if your name's "Bambi" and you're not a nubile young woman of loose virtue, you'd better be a deer. Well, to change it up, I threw in an utterly nonconvincing drag queen.

I even tried to play with it a bit: "Jawas meet Babar." Because Lucasfilm would never sue anyone, of course.

JAWS MEETS BAMBI!!!

But a porn movie following the illicit adventures of a minor henchmen from a couple of the more forgettable James Bond movies? (Nobody liked "Moonraker," right? I mean, come on.) That's a couple lawsuits and halves waiting to happen: the Fleming estate AND MGM. Whoopee!

I can't take it anymore. I think I'll need a bigger boat.

Kinda wobbly, aren't I?

And again, it starts.

JAWS MEETS BAMBI!
JAWS MEETS BAMBI!
JAWS MEETS BAMBI!
JAWS MEETS BAMBI!
JAWS MEETS BAMBI!
JAWS MEETS BAMBI!
JAWS MEETS BAMBI!
JAWS MEETS BAMBI!
JAWS MEETS BAMBI ......

Bambi Vs. Jaws

By Marcy

EXT – FOREST POND – TWILIGHT

It is winter, and Bambi’s friends are laughing at him as he attempts to walk across a frozen pond. His limbs are splaying about as he struggles to keep his footing. Below the surface, a dark shadow follows the fawn’s every slip-slidey move.

BAMBI
Hey Thumper! Watch This!

Bambi attempts to do a triple Salchow. His hoof cracks the ice.

That’s al the shadow needs.

A great white shark explodes through the ice, gobbling Bambi in one gigantic chomp. The bunnies and skunks run screaming for the shelter of the forest.

The shark descends back into the pond.

JAWS
Mmm … Venison.

(scene)

Director Commentary: “I felt that the original versions of these two movies weren’t fully realizing the vision I had in my head. So we went back in with CG and completely redid the scenes to better reflect what I would have wanted these movies to be, had I actually directed them. We also took out much of the original dialogue and replaced it with stilted, cliché dialogue, and made sure the actors had absolutely no chemistry through my directing. I realize there may be legions of fans whose very lives and imaginations were forever altered by the original versions of these films, but that’s just not good enough for me. Our next project will be the prequel to “Jaws vs. Bambi” – “Spawn of the Fawn” – in which we will discover what Bambi’s father, the king of the forest, was like as a snot-nosed kid. He’ll be befriended by a strange, obnoxious, completely superfluous character who will be sure to annoy the hell out of loyal fans of the original films. Oh – and there will be a lame scientific excuse for how Bambi and his father acquired their ‘powers.’ So stay tuned!”

- George Lucas

Bastille, my sunshine

A parody of “Steal my sunshine” by Len
By Marcy

I was lying in my cell on Sunday morning of last week
Indulging in some rancid meat
It’s a dank and stony room, and it feels like it’s gonna be my tomb
The walls are stone and three feet deep
I’ve been here for a year, though my sentence wasn’t very clear but
The aristocrats think I’m a creep
All I did was make a pun in a pamphlet about the King’s latest fun
Now I’m in Bastille sitting on my bum

I know they’ve got it in for me
(Bastille, my sunshine)
Calling me a revolutionary
(Bastille, my sunshine)
Got flea bites on my knees
(Bastille, my sunshine)

I was lying on the bench that serves as a bed in my suite
L-A-T-E-R that week
The stale baguette I ate was starting to dissipate
And hunger crept back into me
I heard shouting at the gates and someone yelled “no, no please wait!”
(But in French, of course, that’s what we speak)
And outside I heard the guns, but I was locked up and couldn’t run
So I missed a million miles of fun

And now, I’ve got to flee
(Bastille, my sunshine)
It’s been a lovely stay but I must leave
(Bastille, my sunshine)
Wonder what they’ll do with me
(Bastille, my sunshine)
I know they’ve got it in for me
(Bastille, my sunshine)
Calling me a revolutionary
(Bastille, my sunshine)
Got flea bites on both my feet
(Bastille, my sunshine)

Steel Bass

Now, it ain’t like I ain’t woke up in some strange place afore. I mean one time me and Zeke got into some bad shine and we both woked up so far down the Mississippi that they ain’t never heard of Canada! Had to work the river boat all year to get back to my shack.

Well it’s a looking like that weren’t nothing. See me and Zeke was pitching woo with these two gals at the inn who spoke all this strange gibberish, but they was purty as all get out and next thing I know Zeke is saying we should follow them to this boat. Me, I like boats and I like the purty gals so I says to Zeke that that was a fine idear.

It was not.

So this was about the time I met Peter. He said his name all funny, but he’s a Peter. I knowd it right off. So, Peter was on the boat what the purty girls took us too and his job was to clobber us something awful so that we was asleep when the boat leaved for far away. Peter is a big guy and he clobbered me good, but he clobbered Zeke better and Zeke never woked up. I could tell Peter was all broke up about it, which did nothing to bring Zeke back, but you gotta give a fella a little break if he feels broke up about making a mistake like that. I hurt a fella or two in my time and felt a lot of hurt on the inside about it.

So we all had this boat trip for a long time which wasn’t too bad. There was other bodies aboard that there boat, but they mostly kept to themselves. Work on the boat was damn near a holiday compared to working on the river! And one of them pretty girls spent a night or two with me which made the whole thing a damn site better. Oh, she smelled purty.

When the boat gets close to land I started to scratch my head cause the beach don’t look right. The two purty girls and Peter have a long chin wag about something in their gibberish and the girls looks ascared of something.

I ain't one to drag a tale on too long, so lets just say that a lot of these gibberers pull up in another big boat - they all weared the same color coat like they was in the army, but the colors was all wrong. They grabbed us all and they was yelling and shouting and pushing and one them laid a hand on my purty girl which made me fly all into a rage of course.

Now I live in this cage that they call the steel bass or something like that. It don’t look like a fish, but its sure got plenty of iron in the bars. Now I been in the pokey before, the thing of it is they usually feed you pretty regular. This place ain’t run so good. Plus there’s all this gibberish yelling outside which keep me from sleeping regular.

All that being said, I think things are settling down for me now. I am behind bars and that don’t usually change too fast. The crazy folks outside are all yelling about turning things or revolutions or something, but I don’t much care. I’m just gonna settle in and relax for a while, maybe Peter will teach me some gibberish to pass the time.

Brihack

Feliz Cumpleanos!!!

Here's a big, joyous (sadly belated because I suck)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

to two of our fellow Hacks:
Matt (March 30) and Brian (March 31)

(Had I not been in Scranton painting doors and walls last weekend I might have been more on top of that ... sorry ...)

posted by Marcy

(who does not claim ownership of this photo, the credit is on the photo)

Lunch bullies

By Matt

Arrrgh! Be that a word?
'Tis a question immortal
No answer have I

A ship be sighted
White sails the horizon show
So hungry a crew we

Life be tough at sea
The English be hearty fed
Their food we will take

Aside their ship drawn
Our swords at the ready be
Plunder their corned beef

A battle won, we retire
To our fortunate repast
Pirates we always be

Rum we now consume
Fat and happy we rest
Our next fight soon comes

Till that time cometh
Hearty lunch we shall consume
Hark, there be more sails

Arrrgh! Be that a word?
'Tis a question immortal
No answer have I

AVAST

The town's in ruins,
treas'ry looted, coffers gone;
but what really hurts:

Seared into my brain,
pumpernickel, ham and Swiss
impaled on cruel blade.

Weep for ravaged lives
and savage, stark injustice.
I miss my sammich.

-LDW

Corn costs a buccaneer

By Bryan

Green peas on flat spoon
Rolling lazily around
above the soup bowl

An eye-patched man comes
ill tidings he brings under
a flourescent sky

Guarding the deep bowl
I stand with scabbard to fight
Alas I'm run through

Woe, My Salad Has Sailed

by Marcy

Spinach and Romaine
Carrots and Garbanzo Beans
And lots of Feta

Baby Corns so sweet
Crispy Noodles and Almonds
Mandarin Oranges

Grilled Chicken slices
Kidney Beans and Black Olives
Sunflower Seeds Too

A hint of dressing
A masterpiece of texture
A balance of taste

This leafy salad
My pride and my lunchtime joy
Stolen from the fridge

The void is dreadful
My stomach longs for my lunch
Fridge pirates will pay

They with no morals
Stealing others' sustenance
Will be hunted down

I mourn my salad
And I send doom upon them
I called the Cracken.

Pirated

Pirates stole my lunch
The absolute greatest lunch
The lunch I ne’er ate

It was truly queer
When a newbie Buccaneer
Stole it with a sneer

Deep personal loss…
Bandits bamboozled my stuff
May they burn in hell

No eye patch had they
No parrot shoulder sitting
Just malevolence

I like’ed my lunch
My lunch is my life time bliss
Bliss takers should choke


My lunch program was
My first application wrote
Software pirates suck

-Brihack Arrrrgh!